Has anyone seen my disability?? Nope??

One of my most popular blog posts was this one when I spoke about what dyspraxia meant for me for the Dyspraxia Foundation's awareness campaign

Since then I've discovered there's more to me than dyspraxia. Whilst that diagnosis back in 2007 made a lot of sense, it still didn't explain everything and left me feeling like it still wasn't the answer.


Anyway, rather than ramble on about all my 'labels' I thought I'd just revisit the idea of what hidden disabilities mean to me:

Being absolutely knackered, from doing absolutely nothing.
Noticing 4 hours after I've left the house that my clothes are on inside out and my shoes are odd.
Repeatedly calling a client 'Lasagne' when her name was 'Lasana'.
Arriving to work an hour late because you work different shifts and you got the days mixed up.


Having mixed feelings about the day ahead - being super, run around the house and spin around in circles excited about your plans, but at the same time contemplating which would be the best way to kill yourself .
Having so many great ideas about what you want to do with your life, but forgetting them all before you get to write them down.
Starting to tidy your house but an hour later things are more in a mess than when you started.


Wearing odd socks everyday because it's easier that trying to match all my socks up.
Wanting to have friends but not wanting to socialise.
Buying a house with a garden so that you can spend time outside, but not wanting to go outside in case the neighbours can see you.
Loving the cinema, but not ever going because it hurts your ears and you hate sitting with so many strangers.



I just want to you to know that you're not alone, and not the only one out there that feels that way. I'd love to hear what your hidden disability means to you in the comments section below.

What do you mean, you can't see my disability?

xxx

Yes, my knickers are supposed to be inside out

Ever wonder how you get to the end of the week in one piece?

Feeling things weren't quite right at work yesterday I toddled off to the loo to find my knickers were inside out (in fact they still are as I type this, fancy!). Not quite as bad as the day I realised I didn't actually have a limp but that I'd got odd shoes on. 

Reminds me of all those occasions I've got my son home from school to find he'd had no underwear on all day. Luckily he's been dressing himself for some time now and does a much better job of it than me.

Some days its just harder to get your shit together than others. So for those days I keep a drawer full of stuff at work:
Hairbrush
Deodorant
Dry shampoo
Painkillers
Spare meds
Cash
Porridge
Phone charger
Nuts
Tissues
Tea bags
Vaseline
Hand cream
The list goes on... my work colleagues think I'm crazy.

I only use the stuff occasionally* (mainly because I've got a butt load of stuff in my handbag and coat pockets too!) but it's helps calm me down on those days I just haven't got it together on time.

The one thing I'm really bad at remembering is my meds, so I've got some of everything I need in all the important places- work, home, the car, my handbag.  That way I've nearly always got some to hand. I find this a real good way to compensate for poor memory.

How do you cope on a day to day basis with being so forgetful?

*who am I kidding, I'm rooting through that drawer on a daily basis!

You've gotta outrun the slowest one, unless you're really tasty

Anyone else get the urge to run like hell when they see someone else running? No? Just me? Surely not!

Ha yesterday I was walking into town with my son from school when this guy came running up the hill from behind us. "Ruuuunnnnn" I yelled as I started charging up the hill after this guy. So there we were, me and my son legging it up the hill past all the shops after this guy, my son looking at me in horror. I figured I better put this all into context for him, wanting him to know the seriousness of the situation.

"We just gotta outrun the slowest guy"

With that my son turned around and seeing no one behind us stopped dead in his tracks, and the guy in front ran into the estate agents. My son just stood there with that look on his face. You know, that same look the cat gives you when you crawl around the floor after him meowing. A mix of disappointment and pity.

Jeeze what is with kids these days. If some guy comes running past me I'm not about to wait around to find out what the crap he is running from. You've gotta outrun the slowest person, unless of course they're super skinny or you are super tasty looking.

For the record, it may have been a tiger. We live near a zoo. I'm not taking any chances.

I couldn't find any pictures of our tigers so you'll have to make do with this little fella I snapped the other day. Just pretend he has stripes. And a big tail. And says grrrrr a lot.

Grrr I'm a tiger. Promise. 

More like a strong cheddar that's been left out of the fridge

Aggr the last few days have been hard. Like hard cheese hard. Today has been especially tough.

What do you guys do on the bad days?

I'm thankful right now for the curry I just found at the back of my freezer  (I could kiss you, past me), my pyjamas, and my furballs for just being their daft crazy selves. Tuesday is one of my favourite nights on TV at the mo too (Goldbergs and tattoo fixers!!) I'm proper going to indulge,  may even invite some chocolate to the party and go crazy!

So yeah, just a short one off me today reminding you all that some days you just have to slow your shit down and take care of yourself.

Have a good night, from me and mooncat x

Your balls are too heavy, once is enough thank you

I voted for one game. We got two.

Ten pin bowling people, it's a love hate relationship for me. I love playing but my bendy limbs and poor co-ordination don't fare for a good score. The first game is always better that the second (100 - 84 and that was with bumpers). By the time I've rolled 20 balls down that slippery ally my body has had enough and it just goes downhill from there. Towards the end I was just flailing and dropping the balls. Like a drunk person. Except I was drinking tap water.

One good thing happened though - they let you wear your own shoes now!! Score!! No more wearing shoes that a bazillion other stinky feet have sweated into. No more burning my socks as soon as I get home.

Bowling is just one of the many things I love to do but suck at/find painful/ simply can't do well.

What do you love but struggle at?

I didn't take any pictures at bowling, I was too busy showing everyone that I could fit a ridiculous amount of stuff into my dungaree pockets. So here is a picture of an extremely germy gecko in the food place we went to after bowling. As if I'm going to touch your gecko and die from all the human germs living on there. NICE TRY PERSON!

I will not touch your germy gecko. Nice try! 

I'm just left with dead bits

Aw man, I'm no good at plants!

Why what have you done?

Snapped the only bit that was alive off. Now it's just dead bits. Aggr I can't do plants. I'm bad at plants.

You're missing something

What? That I'm really shit at plants

No, that sentence is missing something 

That I didn't get taught plants because my mum is shit and kills plants too?

No, like a doing word

OK, I'm shit at doing plants

No, like a noun or a verb, which one means a doing word?

I don't know, I think I missed that day at school. Like I either wasn't there, or probably was just thinking about something else

Me too

You'll have to ask our son. He knows everything.

Yeah, he does school

Maybe if I just put this bit in there it will grow back

Yeah, maybe 

I'm a vending machine for poor cats

Humans very often think they’re the more intelligent species. But come on, are we really?

Take my cats for example.

I go out to work each day, come home, and they’re like purrrr purrrr look at me, aren’t I cute..blah blah blah…and cuddly…and sweet. Yeah, now feed me. I want food. Then BAM, I just give it to them, they don’t have to earn it. I’m like a vending machine for cats. Not even a good one at that as I run on a loss. I’m like a vending machine for poor cats.

Let all the stray cats in your neighbourhood know. I give out food for free. Please form an orderly queue.

Whilst I’m on the subject, anyone else’s cats get a bit bitey if they don’t get fed when they want it? Quite specifically around the ankles. No? Just me? Great. Piranha cat. I have a piranha cat. 

Cosmo the piranha cat

Maybe I should just stop talking

Do you ever go to speak, or you're mid sentence and you just have a brain fart and a load of non coherent garbage spews out of your speakhole?

You're one of the lucky ones if you even realise what you just said made no sense whatsoever. Or if the person you're with is drunk enough not to realise what you just said.

The trick is just to hold your head up high and carry on like it didn't happen. No sir I did not just ask you to file the cupboard from the collects. That would make no sense at all. And I definitely did not just ask my son to hands his soap because the oven is in the dinner.

Those puzzled looks you get? That's just wonder in amazement at your brilliance. You've created a language of your own and it's so awesome you're just replacing the English language with it.

Processing disorder for me comes and goes. On a daily basis I don't tend to notice too much, and I can even laugh at some of the stupid things that come out of my mouth when I do. It can be crippling at times though. Especially when you have something important to do like an interview or a presentation.
I find practice (and copious amounts of alcohol) can help a lot. Learning what you want to say off by heart helps to reduce nerves which is when my mouth can really have a mind of it's own. Stress really sets it off and can even prevent me from speaking full stop. It's like someone has borrowed my voice* but forgot to send me a memo, or I ran out of voice battery.

I know a lot of you will get what I'm saying. It can be pretty lonely, frustrating, and soul destroying (especially when you're in the middle of an interview for a job that you really really want - yup been there done that). It has certainly taken it's toll on my confidence.

A few things have helped me lately when I've had what I like to call a brain fart.
Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Press that reset button**. And start again.

You got this.

*how awesome would it be to be able to borrow someone else's voice for a few hours. Dibs on Morgan Freeman!

**location varies between models

My memory is like a sausage. The worst.

Having a bad memory totally sucks ass. I think of really cool ideas all of the time but before I can do anything with them, poof*, they're gone.

I got asked the other day to set up a security question on one of those forms you fill in when you're creating an online account. You know the ones where you choose a question and tell it the answer in case you forget your real password (which is like every single time). The ones where you don't give the real answer because you're sure that if you ever have to answer the question on the phone that the person on the other end is going to think you're a complete crackpot. So you put a more 'normal' answer but the problem then is when you get asked the question you can't remember what your 'normal' answer was.
Anyway the question was, what superpower do you wish you had? There were the usual options, flying, invisibility, immortality...but you know what I wish I had? A good freaking memory! That would be a great thing to have. Make my life so much easier. Like the ability to think of something and then recall it 5 or 10 minutes later. The ability to walk in a room and know why the hell you're actually there. The ability to make a phone call without having to write everything down that you want to say beforehand so that you don't forget what you called up for the minute you start talking.

But now I'm thinking my memory maybe isn't the issue. Maybe my memory is a perfectly acceptable memory, it just can't keep up with how fast my brain goes. So if I'm wishing maybe I should go for a slower mind. Nah, that sounds dull. How about the ability to play my mind back, like I can with the TV?!?!? Holy crap, that's it. Playback mind!!!! That should have been my answer!!!!***

Now would someone like to show me how to replay my mind so that I can actually remember what the crap this post was supposed to be about. Because I know I had a plan but I can't for the life of me remember what I set out to write!

Anyone have any good tips for remembering really cool ideas?


*that's the sound of something really cool disappearing. He're a cracking example...I knew exactly what I wanted to say next up there after this sentence but I've spent so long spelling disappearing right that it's gone. The idea has gone. And I know it was a really good one. (and you can't disprove that because neither of us knows what it was, so I win. I'm the cleverest and the bestest. Except that I'm not because my memory would be great if I was and it's not, so I'm not.)

**(right now anyway, the thought has only just come to me if I'm totally honest - I wasn't going to be, I was going to claim that this is something I've been thinking about for a while to make it seem like I have more normal thought processes, what the actual fuck??? Jeeze it's hard work in my head)

***I put flying. Not only was it top of the list, but I do actually quite like the idea of flying. Like a bird. Like a big giant bird.

Overthonking, like overthinking but being in the know

Am I the only one that thinks my cats can understand what I'm saying and can read my thoughts?
I'll call one over to the sofa and then feel bad that the other one will think I love this one more. So I make a big deal of telling the other cat that they are welcome too but that they're probably better off where they are next to the radiator because it's warmer. But now the other cat is going to be thinking that I'm just saying that so that she won't come over as I don't really want her to sit with me, and the cat on my knee is thinking h's not good enough because I'm trying to get the other cat to come sit with me instead. I seriously overthonk* things.

I often think my husband can hear what my head voices are saying too. I've tried to test that theory on a few occasions by saying something really gross or awful. He never even flinches but I thinks that's all part of his game.

*that was a typo but I left it because why not? Overthonk is a way cooler word than overthink. It's like overthinking, but for crazy people who know they're overthinking but still can't stop. World, you're welcome.

Have my lips, I put them somewhere safe

I’ve spent some time lately wondering what I’d look like without lips. I’d like to think that if I was to lose* them I’d be ok. I look like a cross between my son trying to look ugly and a startled version of me. My husband isn’t so convinced. Its ok, he’ll come round with time. I think I’d look better with a fringe if I had no lips though, would help to make my eyes pop. They need some help if they’re going to compete with the in your face sight of my wonky gnashers.

*I’m not sure how I’d lose my lips, I’m not suggesting they’d just fall off, but perhaps I’d take them off at night like some people take their teeth out and put them in a jar. The mistake would then be to put them ‘some place safe’ because we all know that’s code for ‘never to be seen again’. For the record, I think some place safe is the same place that socks and tupperwear hide. Not the lids though, I have a bizzilion of those bastard lids. 

A vagina can't kill a spider

Things I've learnt today:

No matter how hard you try, some people can’t be helped. And some people are just complete and utter dick heads. Yes the latter. Definitely the latter.

You can’t wear dungarees to work without being paranoid every time you go to the loo that people are going to think you are doing a number 2. Those things take time to get on and off people. It involves layers, and tucking, and buckles. Too much clothing related stress. Better to keep it in and limit toilet breaks. At least wait until you need a number 2 and make it worth your effort.

My bum itches sometimes. And it doesn’t have to mean you have worms. Just to clarify I don’t. Do I?

Not everyone is ok with you saying the word vagina to them. There certainly is a limit to the number of times you can say the word vagina to your 11 year old son in a row before other people in the coffee shop look at you funny. For the record that number is 16, but by that point the words were merging into one long noise so I really don’t know what their problem was. You also need to choose carefully who you say vagina to at work. They don’t so much like it either. They look at you with that disappointing frown like you just spat at them or killed their favourite spider. 

VAGINA!