Hating suprises

A few Christmases ago I had a bit of a meltdown over a gift from my parents. To anyone on the outside I guess I would have been comparable to a spoilt toddler having a tantrum because she didn't get the toy she wanted. My mum didn't take it personally though.

To set the scene for you, I'd just made Christmas dinner for the whole family for the second time not having learnt my lesson the first time round that the stress of cooking a 3 course meal for 8 people, and the burns and mess were simply something I shouldn't volunteer to put myself through again. But hey if you listen to anyone round here I'm stubborn.  

My mum handed me the gift - I hate gifts. Or at least, I hate things I haven't specifically asked for. So I open this gift, it's a pair of socks. They're soft, cosy, fluffy. I love soft, cosy, fluffy socks. But Oh My God. I put them on. Aggrh the discomfort. The seams. The unusually long length. They feel just soo wrong. I try to keep them on and show thanks but the stress and discomfort is unbearable. I'm walking around in these socks, crying and laughing at the same time. It's ridiculous that socks can make me cry. 

Luckily my mum was laughing with me. She knows what I'm like. She still tries to buy me surprises occasionally, knowing full well I'll probably freak out. I know she means well but Oh My God I hate surprises. 

Claire x

Hating the feeling of make-up on your skin but not being brave enough to go barefaced to work

Feeling stupid when everyone in the meeting is laughing at something someone said but you don't understand why they are laughing

Working really really hard to keep up at work but being told by your boss you're not working fast enough over and over again

Trying to explain to your employers you struggle with certain things for them to label you as lazy like every employer you've had before them

Going hungry at work because you left your lunch on the table at home with your purse next to it, again

Getting huge headaches day after day because you told your employer you have a problem with bright lights so they moved your desk right under a fluorescent light

Putting up with comments about the way you look from the men you work with because you can't think of what to say when put on the spot

What does dyspraxia mean to you?

Claire x

Job hunting with dyspraxia

Wow you guys! I'm totally amazed at how many of you stopped by to read my post about what dyspraxia means to me. It's clear to see that dyspraxia affects a whole bunch of you all around the world to some degree. So I want to say a big thank you to you all, you're fab.

As the post was so popular I've been considering writing more about living with dyspraxia. I already posted my tips for trying to keep a tidy home here.

I've not posted in a while as I started a new job earlier in the year so it's taken a while to get my act in to gear! Finding work and starting a new job can be hard enough for most people but with a hidden disability like dyspraxia things can be, well, a tad tricky I guess.

In all honesty I'd love nothing more than to be able to just find something I'm good at that can bring in enough money so that I don't have to work for someone. It would make my life so much easier and I'm sure many of you can relate to that. Unfortunately I'm yet to find that something so I'm battling on in the world of employment. I won't lie, it's not easy. Its a struggle some days and my current employers seem to have the same lack of understanding that all my previous employers have had when it comes to hidden disabilities.

To any of you currently looking for work, keep at it. I had so many applications ignored and rejected. My biggest knock back was when I interviewed for a job that I desperately wanted at a charity I'd worked for before. The interview was with a girl I'd worked for and knew, and they were well aware I had dyspraxia. What unfolded in the interview room was confidence shattering. The questions were so long winded that by the time the interviewer had finished asking them I couldn't have told you what she'd asked me for toffee. By the end of the 40 minutes having asked her to repeat most questions at least twice I was stumbling over my words and struggling to get any coherent sentences out. It was not a pleasant experience and certainly not one I'd like to repeat but hey if someone wants to treat me like that in an interview then they sure as hell don't deserve to have me work for them.

To any of you having similar struggles - don't let it get you down. Anyone would be lucky to have you work for them. You are amazing and unique and whilst you struggle with some elements of life, you sure do make up for it in other areas.

If any of you have any specific questions about applying for jobs or doing interviews then ask me in the comments below......

Have a great weekend,
Claire x

Kind resolutions

I must admit, I'm not one for making New Year resolutions. Up until a couple of years ago I'd set the same ones each year (lose weight, try harder, be tidier, have more friends.....). I'd never stick at them, and feel even more rubbish than I felt to begin with. I found an old diary when we moved this year from when I was only 9 years old with a couple of pages filled in. I had one of those moments of clarity when I read it and felt really bad for my younger me. I was so horrible to her. I'd basically written that I was fat and needed to be tidier and less clumsy. I also felt sad that I wasn't given the help I needed and was criticised for things that were entirely out of my control and made to feel that I wasn't good enough.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to be 'better' people, to be different people, that we don't always take the time to appreciate and love who we really are. Do I wish that I found things a little easier sometimes? Sure. Do I wish I wasn't so clumsy, or bothered so much by noise? Hell yes! As I've gotten older though I've learnt to appreciate my good qualities and my uniqueness too. Dyspraxia makes life hard enough at times as it is without beating yourself up over it. It doesn't feel great when other people make fun or are mean to you so why on earth do it to yourself? Madness!

So my resolution this year is simply to continue to embrace my uniqueness as much as possible and to be more kind to myself. Whether you're one for making resolutions or not I'd love for all of you to share this one with me. I also resolve to raise awareness of dyspraxia (hell the spell checker on my computer doesn't even recognise it as a word!) so that each and every one of you gets the support you deserve and that you all believe how awesome you really are.

Hope you guys have a great time bringing the New Year in tomorrow whatever you are up to. I shall no doubt be spilling my drink down me and tripping over my own feet but luckily for me everyone else will no doubt have had one too many and will be joining me for once. See you in 2015.

xxx

Dyspraxia means.......

Dyspraxia Foundation

Wow you guys, I am totally blown away by all the positivity that my post on the Dyspraxia Foundation facebook page got. Earlier this week I told you guys about the charity's campaign to help raise awareness this Christmas (and hopefully some cash!). It took me a couple of days to pluck up the courage to add my photo to their site. I mean, it was a pretty big deal to just put myself out there and I wasn't sure I wanted to expose myself quite like that. I certainly didn't expect it to get shared quite so many times and I'm not sure what it was in particular about my post that was so popular but I'm so pleased that I was brave enough to do it and that it might help to make even just a small difference.

I know when I'm finding things completely overwhelming and everything is getting on top of me it's just nice to know that there are others out there who get how hard it can be sometimes. So this my friends, is for each and every one of you.

Dyspraxia means.......

Being covered in bruises constantly because you literally did walk into a door or opened it into your face.
Sounding like you're drunk when you haven't touched a drop because you leave half the words out or say them all wrong (and not knowing you've done it most the time).
Struggling to stick at anything.
Being obsessive over whatever your latest passion is.
Not having any close friends and being sad about that.

Having a messy house and losing things all the time.
Getting overwhelmingly upset every birthday and Christmas because you hate receiving presents, it fills you with dread.
Trying for years to learn how to knit and not wanting to accept that your bendy fingers are not going to ever let that happen.
Trying to hold it together and eventually burning out.
Having really low self confidence even though if you met met someone like you you'd think they were really cool.

Rerunning conversations you've had over and over again in your head.
Only passing your driving test first time because you got lucky and they didn't ask you to reverse around a corner.
Getting stressed out because the table you sit at in the coffee shop is taken and you'll have to decide which of the other 20 tables to sit at (clue, the answer is non, it stresses you out so much you get a takeout).
Writing down or discussing in your head what you want to say before you speak to someone because otherwise you forget what you wanted to say or can't think of the words to say.
Hearing annoying noises that no one else is bothered by and being woken in the night because your neighbour dared to cough.

Not being able to shut up when you get talking to someone and worrying about it afterwards because they must have been really bored and thought you were stupid.
Having a constant headache because you're really sensitive to light.
Being afraid of doing new things or going to new places because you don't know what will happen or if someone will speak to you, I mean what will you say?
Having to have you hair cut off because you can't judge distances and you sat too close to a candle and set yourself on fire playing Jenga on Boxing day when you were 15.
Feeling stupid in conversations because your brain hasn't taken in half of what the other person has said.

Not buying any decent glasses or plates because you know you are going to smash every single one of them.
Giving yourself concussion because you were determined to go mountain biking with your husband and you rode yourself at high speed straight into a tree.
Getting off the bus a mile from where you live because you were too busy running over in your head the last conversation you had that you missed your stop, and the next one, and the one after that.
Not realising until the age of 26 that the words aren't supposed to jump about all over the page or disappear completely.
Over thinking this post and rewriting it over and over and over......

But dyspraxia also means.....

Going to uni as a 'mature' student and graduating with a 1st even though you haven't done anything since your GCSE's and you've felt stupid your entire life.
Giving your all to everything you do and wanting everything to be perfect for everyone.
Always thinking about other people and being kind to them.
Giving amazing homemade presents to your family at Christmas that you've spent weeks making because your favourite part of the holidays is giving.

Caring. A lot. About everything.



I could go on and write pages and pages of what dyspraxia means to me. I hope that in sharing this it will encourage others to do the same so that we can raise awareness and help future generations. I'd love to hear what dyspraxia means to you. If you'd like to take part in the campaign head over to the Dyspraxia Foundation facebook page and get posting.

xxx

Oh, and on a side note. Whilst I was busy writing the sign and taking the photo for facebook I managed to set the smoke alarms off and totally cremated a couple of poor fish fingers that I'd put under the grill and totally forgotten about. Oh the joys of getting distracted! Just waiting for the day I burn the house down.